This minister’s conference was good. Every minister’s conference that I go to is good. God is always speaking to me in a minister’s conference. This conference I felt the lord speaking to me about trust. For me that is a hard thing. I’m so used to doing my own thing. I like to be in charge especially of my life. I understand how you have to die to yourself in this Christian walk. Before I started Internship, I went on a fast. On the fast, what kept coming to me in my spirit is trust in the lord and lean not to your own understanding. That same word he been speaking to me the whole time in this internship. I have been fighting the lord this whole internship about trusting. I’m doing internship but it’s like in the back of my mind I’m trying to think of plan B instead of totally relying upon the lord. That is what the lord has been speaking to me about. Slowly I have been putting my life in God’s hand and not doubting him. Things the lord hates is doubt, fear, and unbelief. God has been confirming the word he gave in little ways like me getting blessed by the church with gas, and people paying for my lunch. I tell you God is so good, if the church can just get that revelation that God is good, people would not be in so much anxiety. I’m so excited about what God is going to do before this internship is over.
Looking back on January, I can see how much I have grown. I did not know what to expect when I came here, all I knew was that I was willing to be obedient. I did not know what department I would serve in, and honestly I did not expect that I would intern under Pastors Todd and Katie. It has been such a privilege, and I did not expect it at all. I came back here under a lot of condemnation and depression, and I did not feel worthy of even being here. I was afraid of being exposed for everything that had been going on in my personal life, and I definitely didn’t want to face anyone. I felt so ashamed that I had left for 7 months, chasing after money and what I thought would be a secure, stable life. I thought I was pursuing what I wanted, since being a minister felt like too high a call for someone like me. All the condemnation I felt was overbearing me and I felt anxiety. And then to come back and find out that I would intern with Pastor Katie and with Outreach – it’s been such an honor that I felt so undeserving of. Then I found out I would be in the Outreach Department-again I didn’t feel worthy of it. How could I possibly go and tell people about Jesus when I was barely trying to really discover Him for myself? But thankfully, I pressed through it, and as I have previously stated in blogs past, depression was broken over me and I moved forward in the things of God. Now I am not that same person I was 4 months ago. And every day, He’s changing me to become more like Him.
I’ve learned so much in the past meetings that it’s mind blowing. I see the Lord equipping us in every area of our lives. These meetings are more than just meetings where people can come sit in and not be changed or challenged in some way. I’m always being challenged to change in different ways. Even when I try to ignore a certain situation the Holy Spirit continues to touch on that area until I give it to Him. The awesome part is that He does it so gently and loving and not in a condemning way. It’s so easy to pin point the faults of others and not recognize your own on a daily basis, but in these conferences that take place it’s as if your senses come alive and the Spirit of God illuminates the areas that need change and allows you to make those adjustments while wrapping you in His presence helping you make those adjustments so you’re not doing it alone. It’s hard to be a part of these meetings and not be built up by Faith and ready to take on the world. If you can sit in these meetings and nothing happens then you’re probably spiritually dead and not willing to yield to the Spirit of God. Whatever the case you need to come expecting a change and you’ll receive a change even if you don’t feel anything physically. You have to put a demand on the anointing for whatever you are needing and wanting in your life.